Warding Off the Anxiety Monster

I'm back home with considerably less money than when I left and my impending joblessness drawing nearer. Also, still need to do my taxes. And a student loan payment is coming up. Ugh.

Job searching is one of the worst forms of torture me for because it makes me feel overwhelmed and nervous and bad about everything. In order to avoid those feelings, I've decided to take some advice from my mother.

When she was on the job market, she'd set aside half an hour a day to look for jobs. That's it. Thirty minutes. Little tiny bites. Sounds nice to me.

Today, I sat down and did a couple of hours worth of career chasing. I applied to one job that might not within my skill range and another that I'm not very fond of. (Data entry. It might beat serving coffee?) Then I found an internship which, while probably unpaid, looked pretty fabulous. Am I one day closer to paying the rent on the apartment I don't yet have? Don't know. At least I did something.

Stay back Anxiety Monster. I poured lines of salt across the doorway. You can't cross the threshold.

I realize that I haven't been keeping up with my goal of writing 100 words a day, but I've giving myself the vacation time as a grace period. Why not? Nothing you do on vacation matters. That's why I'm not thinking about how much money I spent. Ah, ignorance is a necessary bliss.

Leaving Town

Q: You're 23, live with your parents, and just quit your job with nothing lined up. What's the next step?

A: VACATION!

I'm taking some time off from soul searching to visit a friend of mine on the east coast.

This makes me feel a little guilty because I have done exactly no job hunting since I put in my notice. Whoops. To be fair, it has been a hectic couple of days. Work has been tiring as balls and every spare moment has been spent either preparing for this trip or being generally anxious about everything.

Yes, I need to sit down and do some serious job searching, but before that I need a clear head. That's what this blog is all about. Reflecting and recalculating for that big next step. (How many first days of the rest of my life do I get?)

Deep down, I know there is no shame in working in a coffee shop or living with my parents for a while. All the time I've spent feeling like a loser was not well spent. All I want is to be happy and enjoy my job, and I'm trying to make that happen. The question now is, what will that look like?

Posting might be sparse while I'm here, but I'll try to keep it up. I'd like to leave you today by playing a round of a little game called Would I Like to Do That? It's a new game where I see jobs and profile them in a very mental and nonphysical/nonscientific kind of way. Today's job is inspired by my recent air travel. As I was waiting for my plane I was watching the people manning the gate and, for a second, wondered about that.

I'm talking about the people that sit at the counter, check tickets, answer questions, and make announcements over the PA system. It looks pretty easy, probably pays well enough, and I can't imagine not ending up with a million amazing stories. People in airports are weird as hell, right?

Would I Like to Do That?: Gate Attendant
Verdict: Probably Not

I hate working for an endless stream of customers. Never again. Or at least, not right now.

That's all for now from the east coast. It's time to reflect. And get some sleep. Dear god, it's been a hectic couple of days.

Quitter

I have never quit anything in my life.

Fine, it's an exaggeration, but if you can't make dramatic, self-important statements, then why have a blog at all? Quitting has always been hard for me. This is the story of three things I should have quit, but didn't.

My College Newspaper

The first writing job I ever had was for an independent, student-run newspaper. Every week we were expected to pitch and write three stories. We were only paid monthly contingent upon completing our work, which basically meant I was not paid for the first four months though I easily worked thirty hours a week while attending college full-time.

Everyone was fairly new to every job whether reporter or editor, so I was thrust into a competitive environment without the experience, support, or time I needed. Though I did get the hang of it eventually, the last story I ever did was a disaster and I was suspended for a week as a result.

Why I Should Have Quit: I cried in public on a bi-weekly basis because I was so stressed.
What I Learned: A stable, organized environment can make all the difference.

Hapkido

I took a full semester of Korean martial arts (Hapkido) in college. It wasn't a fun/happy/feel good kind of martial arts either. It was a serious, disciplined, calling your instructors "Master" and bowing to the Korean flag every day deal. I felt like I was in Shredder's Foot Clan.

Turns out, I have a problem with authority. When I'm being led by someone I think is unjust, I hear drums in my ears and start to think I'm some kind of rebel leader that has to destroy the institution from the inside out, man! It didn't help that I was the only female that regularly attended my level. I got in my head that if I didn't do Hapkido that meant girls couldn't do Hapkido and, by god, I wasn't going to LET SEXISM WIN.

(It's important to note this was completely baseless. Everyone was incredibly supportive and one of the masters was, in fact, female.)

I didn't turn up to my orange belt test because I didn't want to embarrass myself. Then I still went out with the Hapkido people for drinks. What the hell was I doing?

Why I Should Have Quit: I was ALREADY in kickboxing. Plus, what the fuck have I used Hapkido for?
What I've Learned: Just because something is hard doesn't mean that it's worth sticking with it.

My Last Relationship

I'm sure I'll write more about this later, so I'll keep it short.

I dated someone for 3 1/2 years that I should have dated for maybe one. It was my first serious relationship. He was the first and only person I have ever been in love with.

I tried to break up with him three weekends in a row and didn't. We didn't celebrate our three year anniversary and I didn't call him on his last birthday. Our relationship didn't end so much as expire on the day we graduated from college.

It is the biggest regret of my life that I didn't walk away.

Why I Should Have Quit: He was a flaming asshole and kind of an inconsiderate, selfish lover.
What I've Learned: Being with someone who doesn't value you takes a huge toll on your self-esteem.

Sometimes, quitting is the best thing to do. I think I'm finally starting to learn when to walk away.

Not All Change is Fast

These are the essential details to my story.

I'm a writer. I'm 23-years-old. Female. Around two years ago I graduated college with a BA in English and $22,000 worth of debt. I work at a coffee shop in a mid-sized (50,000-80,000 people) city. I live with my parents.

I am not happy.

Yesterday, I was lying awake at 3:00 am paralyzed with guilt and anxiety from my stagnant life.

Today, I took the plunge and gave notice at my job. My last day is on April 20th. By then, I have three objectives.

1. I will have a new job.
2. I will move out of my parents house.
3. I will write at least 100 words a day, every day.

This may sound laughably easy or ridiculously impossible to you. I can't tell. For me, it's big. I'm a planner and a worrier. I'm also a procrastinator and a delayer and a lot of other things that aren't so helpful career-wise, but I'm a hard worker and the one thing I've never been is a quitter. Today, I quit, and it was a big deal.

This is me trying to make a noticeable, quantifiable change in my life by a deadline. For artistic reasons (and less artistic, avoiding libel reasons) I won't be giving you my name, city, state, or place of employment. Think of me like the narrator from Fight Club. Except, instead of Tyler Durden showing up, the narrator quits his job and tries to find meaning in his existence through positive, constructive means. So nothing like Fight Club at all, but just go with it. I'm tired, man. I just quit my job.

This is the story of the moment my life started to get better.

Hopefully.